why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
