Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
