Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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