woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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