but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
