I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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