Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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