Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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