My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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