my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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