Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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