I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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