I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
