Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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