I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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