i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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