Define "chronic" masturbator.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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