is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
