I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
