i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
