What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
