how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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