i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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