There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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