You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
