I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
