Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
