the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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