i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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