He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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