I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You dont lie about slip and slides
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
