bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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