I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
