Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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