I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
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What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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