after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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