the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
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Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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