If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
