If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
