Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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