I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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