Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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