I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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