before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
