...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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