I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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