respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
