um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
