I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
