WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
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Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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