k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
