I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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