I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
