i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
