How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
