dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
