I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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